Saturday, January 7, 2012

My Anti-New Year's Resolution

Another year wraps up, another Christmas whoosh’s by as quick as a middle school crush and a pall comes over the horizon as I wait for winter’s quiet hush.  The morning light is slanted and gray, the silence familiar.  I have a love/hate relationship with this time of the year.  As a church musician, I have unfortunately come to loathe the preparation time leading up to the holidays.  The endless rehearsals, the planning of music and performers, the expectation to produce something “fantastic” and uplifting year after year, always expected to outdo the year before.  After almost 20 years of this, it is somewhat of a downer.
I must admit, I’m writing as I think, not really allowing the words to fully form in my mind and yet, perhaps, they have been forming themselves for weeks now.  I set out to post in this blog every week or so, even thinking that I might actually find the time to post several times a week, but, no…it’s much more difficult than that.  Sure, I have pressures from being a busy mom of three, but it’s a much deeper, visceral thing – it’s that the words come to my brain at times I just can’t seem to get to a computer or pen and paper to put them down.  I’ll be driving or showering, doing schoolwork with my daughter or in a meeting and the thoughts come to me.  By the time I get to sit down in the evening they drain away from me like a cold November bone chilling rain.  There is no amount of hot tea or soup that can dredge the words from my mind… they float away.  How sad that is.  
So back to resolutions--I don’t make them.  I find them sort of silly and yet I suppose in my mind I make deals with myself.  I try not to make them formal because I really don’t want to be let down later but there is an unmistakable sense of new beginnings--a freshness with the turn of the calendar that makes us all hopeful again.  I suppose my “resolution” this year is to write more and be less afraid to put down the words of the experiences I’ve had and those that continue to pave my future.  I suppose that this is a round-about, non-committal way to have a New Year’s resolution; I can tell myself “you’re not really making a resolution” and yet as fast as waking up to newly fallen snow, I’ve done it.  May I continue to keep it going long after the “newness” fades.

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